I have lived in silence for a while. After you walk through turmoil and trials so long you begin to feel lost, hopeless and broken. In this time, I have cried in the wee hours and sat staring at walls wondering if there was anything left of me and God's plan for my life.
I believed God for all he had promised. I waited and waited and was left without. I got tired of believing. I believe I shut down. I still loved God and believed for everyone. Everyone but me.
I began to walk through such dark dark times. I lost my home, car and had to move in with my Parents. I found out soon why. They needed me to take care of them. I took care of my Daddy through his sickness, Dementia, Prostrate cancer, strokes. I took care of him at home in hospice. He took his last breath in my arms. I felt like life was sucked out of me. The one man I trusted was gone. My rock and the one that always reminded me he loved me....gone.
Then soon after we were evicted out of the home my Parents had lived in 61 years. We stayed with my son and his roommate for a while but soon had to leave there. I was homeless for two weeks. Scilla and I and our pets stayed in a tent. I refused to get rid of my dogs who had stood by me when everyone else was too busy to love me.
God made a way out of no way and we now live in a place. He supplies for us daily. Manna from Heaven comes to us in so many ways.
My Momma had a heart attack and two strokes. She could't hardly talk, and couldn't walk. The doctors said she would never walk again. God has done miracles in her. She can walk with a walker.
I sat in my room and cried Lord how can you use me? Look at me. I am broke. Sickness has overtaken my body. I have fibromyalgia, arthritis and diabetic neuropathy in my hands, uncontrolled diabetes, herniated disk in my neck that I have suffered with for over 30 years, lower back has arthritis, not producing enough vitamin D. I am not able to do physically what I used to do. I hurt too much. I can't sleep many nights. Sleep deprived at times. Feeling like I could never live a normal life again. Fighting Depression because of the sickness and loss.
Understanding David in the book of Psalms crying out...."Where are you, God"? You promised things to me and I feel like I dwindle away. If you had fulfilled the promise when you declared it to me, I was strong then, but now....I am so weak and broken. As David in the bible, my heart knew God would never leave me but my body and mind wanted to argue this.
My heart has cried out ....
I believed God for all he had promised. I waited and waited and was left without. I got tired of believing. I believe I shut down. I still loved God and believed for everyone. Everyone but me.
I began to walk through such dark dark times. I lost my home, car and had to move in with my Parents. I found out soon why. They needed me to take care of them. I took care of my Daddy through his sickness, Dementia, Prostrate cancer, strokes. I took care of him at home in hospice. He took his last breath in my arms. I felt like life was sucked out of me. The one man I trusted was gone. My rock and the one that always reminded me he loved me....gone.
Then soon after we were evicted out of the home my Parents had lived in 61 years. We stayed with my son and his roommate for a while but soon had to leave there. I was homeless for two weeks. Scilla and I and our pets stayed in a tent. I refused to get rid of my dogs who had stood by me when everyone else was too busy to love me.
God made a way out of no way and we now live in a place. He supplies for us daily. Manna from Heaven comes to us in so many ways.
My Momma had a heart attack and two strokes. She could't hardly talk, and couldn't walk. The doctors said she would never walk again. God has done miracles in her. She can walk with a walker.
I sat in my room and cried Lord how can you use me? Look at me. I am broke. Sickness has overtaken my body. I have fibromyalgia, arthritis and diabetic neuropathy in my hands, uncontrolled diabetes, herniated disk in my neck that I have suffered with for over 30 years, lower back has arthritis, not producing enough vitamin D. I am not able to do physically what I used to do. I hurt too much. I can't sleep many nights. Sleep deprived at times. Feeling like I could never live a normal life again. Fighting Depression because of the sickness and loss.
Understanding David in the book of Psalms crying out...."Where are you, God"? You promised things to me and I feel like I dwindle away. If you had fulfilled the promise when you declared it to me, I was strong then, but now....I am so weak and broken. As David in the bible, my heart knew God would never leave me but my body and mind wanted to argue this.
My heart has cried out ....
Psalm 27:4King James Version (KJV)
"4 One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple."
I don't claim to know how God is going to bring to pass all that HE has declared to be but
one thing I am certain of, that God is able if I am willing. I am more than willing to do as is pleasing unto him. He will contend will every foul spirit that would try to stop it, hinder it and block it. It's not my battle but His to prove HIS word true.
I have wondered why he didn't cast me aside and give up on me. He reminded me that even in my time of being shut down, I was still at his feet. I lay broken but curled up in HIS love. I am so thankful for God's grace and mercy. That he sees beyond all the rubbish and broken pieces of my life. He sees me. Yet he still loves me. I stand in awe at this fact.
