It never ceases to amaze me how some of life's lesson and monumental moments, can happen any time. It can happen on a day like Christmas. You don't see it coming but it shines a light brightly upon wounds that haven't mended.
I grew up with loving caring parents, who loved God deeply. I was never abused by them but loved and guided the best of their ability. So I don't blame them. I just know that some of things they were taught wasn't correct.
We were always taught that a girl had to be a virgin before she married. If she wasn't then people would look down on her and talk about her. Never mind the guy who took it. So when I was raped....I couldn't for a long time....shake that worthless feeling.
Then there's the ridiculous teaching of don't cut your hair, don't wear make up, don't wear jewelry, don't wear pants, don't go swimming, don't don't don't...I couldn't ever live up to their standards. I tried but knew it wasn't right.
So I spent most of my child hood always trying to live up to the "Name". Everything I did was going to affect the "Name".
Then I married a Man that was a hot mess, and abusive. So I walked away even more low self esteem after our divorce.
So today when Dad opened his Christmas present, that I even took him to pick it out, and he started complaining about....made a part of me sink. That part that says I can never please you. No matter what I do. I will run like a hamster and never hear those reassuring words that the little girl in me longed to hear.
Funny how silly things like that can make you realize how broke you still are in areas. I guess that's why I do my best to not seek anyone's approval, but God's. It is a certain guaranteed let down if I seek Man's approval. God has always qualified me, approved me, and healed me. I guess there's a part that needs more work.
I found that God is the only Man that you can depend on. All others will break covenants, promises, and walk out. God isn't like that. He is always the same. Faithful, dependable, unconditional.
Now I know what I need to work on. It just caught me off guard. So for 2013 ....more healing.and I am diving in deeper with my Lord.
